Regulated Connected Kids who Feel Safe Behave Well

No, really, they do. (We MAY have to adjust our definition of ‘behave well’ because we often have very inappropriate expectations for behaviors…but anyway….)

Let’s break this down.

Regulation.

Without going into the theory of regulation and all the nitty gritty that makes me confident to make such a strong statement (that would take longer than a blog post), regulation is about keeping the accelerator and the brakes of arousal in balance (Dan Siegel, Parenting from the Inside Out).  When we are regulated, we are mindful of ourselves and others.  Our brain is engaged at the level that is expected given our development (meaning, the regulation and engagement of higher level thinking of a three-year-old is quite different than a 16-year-old).  We can see multiple options, don’t feel rigid or controlling.  IPNB might say we are Flexible, Adaptive, Coherent, Energetic, and Stable.  We are connected to ourselves and to others.  We are NOT in a state of neuroceiving danger- we are experiencing safety and connection from the environment, from the people we are with, and from ourselves.  Dysregulation doesn’t HAVE to look out of control.  It could – but dysregulation exists on a continuum and could look, on the outside, quite calm.

Connected.

As human beings we are absolutely positively designed and created to be in connection with others.  Our mind, brain, and body literally develops inside the context of relationship.  The vental vagus nerve…the nerve that eventually allows for what many people refer to as self-regulation, the part of the autonomic nervous system that allows us to rest into connection and social engagement…is literally myelinated (it develops, works better, faster, etc.) INSIDE the coregulated relationship.  Social Baseline Theory tells us that connection is our BASELINE.  When conditions are right, our baseline, our default, is to seek and be available for connection.

Felt Safety.

WAAAAAY below conscious awareness our brain is determining our level of safety.  This is subjective because below conscious awareness means without cognitive thought.  Neuroception is the term used to describe this process- and Deb Dana eloquently states that our unconscious system is searching “inside, outside, and inbetween” to determine if we are safe.  Inside means we scanning the felt-safety of our internal system.  Outside means we are scanning for cues of safety in the environment.  Inbetween means we are scanning for cues of safety in the relationship and the person we are with.  If we are safe, our system is open and available for connection.  Remember- it’s the baseline.  If we are not safe (again, this is subjective) our brain switches into a defensive stance- fight/flight/freeze/collapse is initiated (mild to severe…it could just be an on-alert orienting or it could be full blow aggression or dissociation).  Defensive strategies prioritize protection NOT connection (though we are looking for ways to find connection, still, because connection is one thing that brings about safety).  Oftentimes we think mostly about obvious cues of danger when thinking about safety and can feel frustrated with a child’s defensive behaviors because “NOTHING IS UNSAFE!!!”  But we must remember that this is subjective and the child is scanning the environment, their inner experience and YOU- the person they are with.

An important cue of safety is that the person I am with is regulated- THEY are not in fight/flight/freeze/collapse.  THAT person is neuroceiving safety.  If the person I’m with is neuroceiving danger, in a defensive state, or even in the most mild state of fight/flight/freeze/collapse, the child is unable to get a cue of safety from that person and the lose felt safety.

This is tricky because when children are acting ‘badly’, we as adult often flip into a defensive state.  We get controlling, annoying, irritated, angry, etc.  Now we have lost one important pathway of helping the child come back into connection and regulation- our own felt-safety.

If a child is behaving in a way that is NOT inviting connection (aggressive, manipulative, under-achieving, back-talk, ignoring, lying, stealing, controlling, lazy….any of the words we use to describe behavior we don’t like) then that child’s nervous system is either NOT regulated, NOT connected to themselves or other, and /or NOT safe (one, two, or all three of these…sometimes it’s hard to isolate them).

Period.

When we are regulated, connected, and feeling safe we are designed to be in connection, in relationship, and our best selves.

Sometimes we have competing inner-parts- a part that feels safe and a part that doesn’t….or we have secondary experiences (meaning…sometimes connection can bring about regulation and felt-safety but then immediately becomes a cue of danger and causes a child to LOSE regulation and felt-safety because of their previous experiences in an unsafe attachment relationship)….

But that’s an article for another day Image may be NSFW.
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Regulated, Connected Kids who Feel Safe Behave well is true about all kids, all humans.  It has nothing to do with trauma. Kid with a trauma history have more vulnerabilities to neuroceiving a lack of safety.  Their systems are developmentally delayed with regulation (because regulation is cultivating in secure attachment) and their experiences with connection have been frightening or dangerous.  But the idea that regulated connected people who feel safe behave well is universally true of all humans.  Beyond Trauma Informed, we are moving into an era of being Human Informed.

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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S  is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.  

NEXT WEBINAR: Toxic Stress & the Developing Brain ~ January 15, 2020