Behavior is simply the externalization of internal experience.
What we SEE on the outside is only a clue to what is happening on the inside.
Facial expressions. Hand gestures. Big and small.
HUGE behavior like tantrums, throwing, biting.
EVERYTHING we DO is simply an externalization of what’s happening internally.
With this in mind…do we really want to spend the majority of our energy changing the EXPRESSION of internal experience???
Or do we want to help change the internal experience so the behavior naturally changes?
To be honest, there is a time and a place to focus only on the behavior. This has to do with where you are, who is in charge, how old the child is, how dangerous the behavior is, and how capable the child is to use thinking-based coping skills to stop the behavior that just isn’t working for the situation.
But even in the times when that is true, do we REALLY want to just stop there?? Is it enough to stop the behavior in the moment? Or do we want to keep using our x-ray vision goggles, see through the behavior to whatever is happening internally, and try to change that too???
Regulated, connected kids who feel safe (and know what to do) behave well. This is the entire premise of my work with children and families. It’s the entire premise of my belief about humanity- those who have experienced toxic stress AND those who haven’t (and really….most of us have. Research shows that between 45 and 67% of the population has experienced at least ONE Adverse Childhood Experience).
I’m often asked…”OK, I understand the brain and the impact of toxic stress, but I still don’t know what to DO! Please tell me!!”
In a way, I get why that’s the next question. NO ONE comes into parenting knowing what to do with some of the confusing, baffling, and bizarre behaviors that we sometimes see in children impacted by toxic stress and developmental trauma.
But I still invite you to marinate on what you’ve learned about the impact of toxic stress. How it’s impacted your child’s sense of felt safety, regulation, and ability to connect. What you consider those things, often times the ‘What do I do!!!” becomes more clear.
What is hard is that when WE get dysregulated, we want a quick fix. We want something that will STOP an undesired behavior in it’s tracks.
I get it. It’s just that it rarely works that way. Quick fixes that stop behaviors in the moment usually involve fear and power. Again…this might be necessary depending on the severity and danger of the behavior…but this is not a long term solution.
Building connection, regulation, and felt-safety takes a lot of time. A lot of investment OUTSIDE moments of dysregulation.
Stopping bad behavior in the moment of dysregulation is actually the LEASDT important part of the journey.
But I do understand why it feels like the MOST important part.
Put on your x-ray vision goggles. See THROUGH the behavior and be curious about your child’s internal experience.
Increase connection. Increase regulation. Increase felt-safety.
Assume that Regulated, Connected Kids (people!!!) who feel safe (and know what to do!) behave well.
And see what shifts for you…and how you may intuitively know what to do!!!…when you truly embrace that belief.
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If you’re inspired by this approach to parenting- and this approach to YOURSELF- you will love my new self-paced online course, Parenting after Trauma: Minding the Heart and Brain.
~Robyn
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Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, RPT-S is a blogger, teacher, trainer, and consultant for therapists and professionals working with children with a history of complex trauma.
